1. “Amy with Communicator Backpack” from Congo
I know! An action figure of that nice gorilla with a sign-language-translating backpack. That’ll sell.
2. “Fillin’ Station Barney” from The Flinstones (Rick Moranis)
Yea, let’s not only make a Barney Rubble action figure but let’s make one for specifically when he was a gas station attendant.
3. “Beldar Conehead in Suburban Uniform” from Coneheads (Dan Aykroyd)
If we sell ‘em in different outfits we will make more money off these pointless toys.
4. “Cyro-Chamber Will Robinson with Magnet Attack Micro-Spiders” from Lost in Space (Jack Johnson)
Does it have magnet attack micro-spiders? Good.
5. “Evil Eye Benedict, Stunt Figure,” from Last Action Hero (Charles Dance…aka Tywin Lannister!!!)
Is this guy even in the movie? Who cares. Make him an action figure!
6. “Harry, Bendable Figurine” from Harry and the Hendersons
So what if there wasn’t any action in the movie, the world wants toys!
7. “Robert Muldoon, with Firing Tranq Bazooka” from Jurassic Park (Bob Peck)
Who cares that the movie was about the fallibility of man when he uses science to play God, get that big-game-hunting head of security made into an action figure ASAP! And give him a weapon he didn’t have in the movie. And a dinosaur.
8. “Guile, in Paratrooper Uniform” from Street Fighter (Jean-Claude Van Damme)
Listen, you make a plastic Jean-Claude Van Damme and you give him a goddamn parachute and then you make money. That’s how this business works.
9. “Fireman Ethan Hunt” from Mission Impossible (Tom Cruise)
Same goes for Tom Cruise and a fireman’s outfit.
10. “Talking Turbo Man” from Jingle All the Way
I don’t give a shit if the whole point of the movie was to expose the hollow, empty center of a life that is controlled by consumerism — the kids will cry for ‘em so the parents will fucking buy ‘em!
11. “Smoker Thunder Ski with Berserker Rider” from Waterworld
We still have plastic? Christ, I don’t know. Make some fucking Jet Ski guys from that movie where the Field of Dreams dude drinks his own pee.